Who would you rather?

I’d planned to spend this whole discussion outlining the tough choice one faces when asked, “Who would you rather?” A question of this nature forces us to examine our inner desires, dreams, preferences, prejudices, etc. Or it can just be stupid. Like where this is going tonight.

Around eight o’ clock this evening, I became obsessed with listening to the song, “Halloween.” Why? Because it’s almost fall. Almost not-hot. And almost Halloween.

And what, like clockwork, also arrives each Halloween season at the local cineplex ( motion picture shows for you old-timers)? Horror movies.

So, I asked myself, ” Who would you rather (get stalked by)? A corporeal or incorporeal evil thing?”

Category A: Corporeal Killers (the ones with bodies and weapons)

Pros:

  1. Existence easily verified – unless you’re blind, you’ll be able to see ’em.
  2. Corporeal body – to stab, beat with baseball bat, push, scream in ears of, scratch, and so forth with various defense techniques. This corporeal body also means they must stick to the physical plane, i.e. no walking through walls or flying through the wind to catch you. Unless it’s the night flier.
  3. night flier

  4. Low SPH (stalk-per-hour) speed – due to the heftiness of most corporeal killer’s bodies (you’d think killing would burn more calories), any moron with two feet should be able to outrun the chunky killer. If not, maybe you deserve to die.

Cons:

  1. Determination – think they’ll get tired? Nope. They’ve got one track minds. And like the track around the lake on the Friday the 13th video game, it always leads right to you. Or them. Either way there’s a sharp object with your name written all over it – probably in blood.
  2. Circle of death

    Poor George doesn’t stand a chance.

  3. Corporal body –  what makes them easy to see/touch also means they can do likewise with you. Barf! And killers usually have fat, sausage-like fingers. So double barf!
  4. History – poor, poor wittle killer, he had such a bad childhood, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so dude’s got issues. And he’s going to take it out on somebody. And that somebody will probably be you.

Category B: Incorporeal Beings (the ones made of pure eeeeevil straight from the depths of hell and other bad places, i.e. demons)

Pros:

  1. Words are Weapons –  as cliché as it sounds, it’s pretty much the only way to vanquish them. This is a pretty cheap method of self-defense. Call up a priest and watch as he sends them back into the fiery depths of hell with a few choice phrases. Bonus points if you understand the Latin.
  2. Incorporeal – yes! this means you can pull up the covers and shut your eyes real tight and they’ll go away. Bottom line is you can’t see them. So, if your imagination is strong enough to counteract all those scratches you hear going down your wall at 3 a.m., why not imagine a cuddly kitten instead? Those aren’t scary. At all. Aww….
  3. kitties

    No demons here. No sir. Just little tiny kitty claws.

  4. Sexist – They don’t seem to like the males so much. So that’s good for all you dudes. For us chicks, not so much. If you’re a female, you’re screwed. And if it’s an incubus type demon, that’ll be literally.

Cons:

  1. Incorporeal – they can float, flitter, slither, get inside you on occasion. All in all they do all sorts of creepy things. Plus, and here’s a big con for all you manly men – you can’t hit ‘em. No matter how big your muscles, how many MMA moves you’ve learned watching pay-per-view events, you can’t touch ‘em. So, in essence, the demon turns you into a wimp without even trying.
  2. Possession – this is a huge con. No explanation needed.
  3. ragan

  4. Sometimes, they come back – now, this is also true of corporeal killers too, but at least you’ll know when they’re back. The demon could just be sitting in that chair you never feel like sitting in for months, years, watching you all invisible-like.

*Disclaimer – Dream state killers that exist corporeally in an incorporeal environment were excluded from this discussion. It got too confusing.

Sweet Dreams.

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